Block 4 Midweek 6: BONUS! Love and other thoughts

I'm sure by now you have seen this video, if not, PLEASE watch it. I'm not usually the type to enjoy this kind of video, and honestly when something goes viral it tends to make me roll my eyes and avoid it like the plague (except that whole "Dubai Was Lit" video with the little kid coming out of anesthesia, that one is GOLD). And honestly, it took me until just today to actually watch it. I know, I know. Usually videos like this just really don't do it for me, and I am having a serious head conversation with myself about why, but that is outside the scope of this blog. 

Let me tell you why this video is just RESONATING with me right now. First, I love the positivity this woman exudes. I tend to get most of my laughs from being snarky and rude, but the joy that just oozes from this woman's pores is infectious. It makes me want to check myself when I'm being sarcastic and just generally awful. Her laugh, guys. It is so free and untethered and just JOYFUL. Next, she is a grown woman and she bought herself a toy. Not only did she buy a toy, she took it out of the box as soon as she got in her car and PLAYED WITH IT RIGHT THERE. Adults have to be responsible and patient and all those adult-y things, and Candace Payne just blew all of it out of the water by rushing to her vehicle and making a video of her playing with an awesome toy. I love her so much for that. Next, her laugh. Guys, ladies are taught to be cute little playthings that don't make a bunch of noise and are pretty much just decoration. A good belly laugh like this is so frowned upon in society when coming from a woman. But she does not care. She found true joy while enjoying her Chewbacca mask, and she let it loose. And boy, I'm so glad she had a camera when she did. Finally, the fact that she went in the store for yoga pants and came out with this instead is the icing on the cake. She said that she was trying to work out more, and that it wasn't going very well, so she decided to get the Wookiee mask instead. Amazing. See, it's not fun being overweight. Especially when the whole world just says you need to work out more or eat less or both and that will fix it for you. Yes, eating less and working out will eventually get you where you want to go. But sometimes moms end up putting themselves and their health on the back burner. It shouldn't happen, but it does. It's all too easy to turn your brain off and eat what you can get when you can get it and put off exercising because this kid has practice, and that kid needs help with math, and oh, I have to make dinner and it's 4pm and the hubby will be home and hungry in about an hour and I forgot to thaw out the chicken, oh let's just order pizza. Then you feel the judgment of the world when the pounds start packing on, not to mention the horrible self-talk going on in your head when you stand in front of the mirror and realize that your waist has disappeared. I know because I'm talking about myself.

I have been sitting here this morning on my computer watching the videos of Candace going to all the different TV shows and laughing with the hosts, meeting JJ Abrams, getting an email from Peter Mayhew with an invitation to meet up, and laughing her head off through the whole thing. What is refreshing is that everyone is just overjoyed to meet her and hear about her viral video. Not once have I seen her being treated poorly because she is overweight, and that's the way it should be! It makes me feel like the world might be getting a little bit better about treating people with respect, no matter what. I just avoid reading the comments on any of the articles, because I don't have that much hope for the trolls. I bet Candace does.

Block 4 Week 5: PANIC

We are almost halfway through the last block of the first year of medical school. It's a weird feeling. I feel like it went really fast, but it also feels like it has been forever. I stay really busy -- even if I'm not studying, I'm doing laundry, or cooking a giant bucketload of spaghetti, or attending church, or going to a family thing. I feel like there's almost no down time. The weird thing about staying so busy is I don't have time to worry about stuff, or think about how hard everything is. Except when I'm trying to take a shower. It's the weirdest thing, I'm in there washing my hair, and suddenly I'm having a panic attack. I start thinking about everything that I have to do, and how much I hate how things are going currently, and how bad I feel I'm going to do on whatever exam I'm taking that day. My brain starts flying around in my head like a manic hummingbird, and then it just freezes and I freak out. So this morning, John comes IN the shower and just prays for me while I'm flipping out. I'd like to say I immediately snapped out of it, but it took a little while to get it together. But I did get it together. Praying helps.

Why am I talking about this? Because I feel a particularly strong need to be completely open and transparent about this whole process. I could write a nice blog with a hero and minor conflict and wrap it up with a happy ending. But that's not what is happening to me. I started this blog with the intention of chronicling my journey to being a doctor with no idea what life had waiting around the corner to fling at me. I was hoping it would be clever and witty and something to make you think. This is not what I had planned, but this is what it is. I keep thinking that I am doing all I can, but life keeps handing me more. Once I adjust and start feeling like I'm keeping my head above water, something else kicks me in the butt. Medical school has not been the source of most of my difficulties, but it has probably kept me busy enough that I don't break down. This new panic thing kind of indicates I'm fraying at the edges.

So what do I do now? I've made an appointment to talk. Again. Talking with someone does help put things in perspective. A lot of time I panic because I haven't quantified what is bothering me. Talking about it often takes some of the BIG away. So I'm going to do that. I'm also going to make a point of being more grateful. When things get hard, I tend to get so under it that I have a hard time finding joy in ANYTHING. That is not a way to live. I started this journey because medicine brings me joy. The path sometimes dips into something that isn't quite as joyful, but overall I feel joy at the opportunity I've been given. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

The coolest thing happened this evening. I was in my usual study spot, going over the notes for my pathology exam tomorrow. A gentleman walked in to pick up his to-go order, and started chatting with me. He noticed I was studying, and he wanted to talk about school and studying and his experiences. He regaled me with his story of going back to school as a non-traditional older student, and going into the army, and then returning to his home-town and reconnecting with his sweetheart from when he was younger. It was really cool hearing his perspective, and then he looked at me and said that I was going to be an awesome doctor, and he was going to find me when I was done and be my first patient. I almost started crying, because it's the love of people that spurred me in this direction to start, and coming back to that basic feeling is just really humbling. It's easy to get caught up in the stress of trying to pass all these exams and lose sight of your why. And my why always comes back to love. God has placed a huge love for people in my heart, and as long as I stay connected to that love, I will be successful at all the peripheral stuff that's on this journey. So stick with the love, people. <3 And thanks, Tony. You hit the mark, I'm so glad you took time from your regular schedule to spread your love.

Block 4 Week 4: I don't think they exist!

I study a lot. I mean, a lot. There's a little restaurant near my house that I study at just about every night, and they've gotten to where they know me and even my parents if they come in without me. I work really hard, and most of the time, I manage to pass. But not by a whole lot. This stuff is really hard, and with real life constantly hitting me in the back of the head, I've gotten used to being a little below average in the grades department. I lament quite often that I haven't found what I'm good at yet, and that I hope I don't fail when OB/GYN comes around (P.S. >> I should be good at OB/GYN). 

So imagine my surprise when I went to check my grade in my very worst subject (well before this block), and it was GOOD. It was better than good, I murdered it! I had rather forgotten what it was like to be more than OK about my grades. For a minute, I imagined working even harder and having awesome grades in EVERYTHING. Then I laughed and got back to reality. 

I am not against having good grades, and as much as I study, I had hoped I might accomplish something in the stellar department. I'm not a great test-taker. I guess that might bite me in the butt when it comes to boards. But I feel like how you take a test doesn't determine what kind of doctor you will be. However, you have to be good enough at taking a test or you'll never find out. It's a fine line to walk. Sometimes I walk it a little closer than I'd like.

Honestly, I wasn't allowed to celebrate too long, because grades came out for a different subject, and I did rather crappy. So I should probably be studying instead of blogging. I can NOT remediate this summer. I have PLANS.

So keep me in your prayers, thoughts, smoke signals, animal sacrifices, etc. (I'm joking about that last one, please don't sacrifice any animals on my behalf, unless it really works. Then do what you must!) We are about 6 1/2 weeks from finishing year one. I gotta hang on just a little longer. And accomplish a lot of stuff.

Block 4 Week 1-3: You can DO it!

I haven't been very bloggy lately, sorry about that. We've finished the first three weeks of block 4 already, and I managed to fail an exam. I can't seem to get my head in the game right now, so I'm having these conversations with myself that are very stern. So far, it's not working. I think something cracked or broke, and I can't seem to find what it is and fix it so I can go forward and accomplish stuff. I just feel kinda numb and blah.

My study routine has gotten seriously interrupted over the last few weeks, and I should probably go back to that so I can feel normal. I have a place and a group that has worked for three blocks, and since John was sick and then we moved house, I've been afloat without that anchor. This block looks seriously overwhelming! We have lots of clinical stuff we are learning, and I'm not sure I can fit it all in with the regular study schedule, so over the last week or so, I've been doing a lot of nothing. That doesn't really work for medical school. I feel like I've let some bad habits creep in, and I don't have the motivation to turn it around. You'd think a failed exam would kick me in the butt. I just feel blah.

So I'm writing this blog to hopefully accomplish some kind of kick in the butt. We had an anatomy exam this morning, and we also have an anatomy practical coming up in just about an hour (for my group). I feel like I did get into a groove of studying for this exam, and I felt a lot better about how it went. Hopefully the practical will go as smoothly.

An update on HB: it's not over. It looks like there will be some surgery in the near future, so please continue praying and thinking of him if you don't mind. He's really tired of feeling poorly. I'm not anywhere near tired of trying to take care of him, though.

It looks like we've gotten into the groove of lather, rinse, repeat with study, exam, clinical stuff now that we are in block 4. I can't believe I have almost finished my first year of medical school! I am still loving it for the most part, as long as I keep my eyes on the goal and the way to get there without getting bogged down in the day to day weight of it. I guess that's why it is increasingly hard to find a good subject to blog about here. It's just the same thing over and over. Except life keeps cranking it out and making it a little more difficult than I'd like it to be. But I've learned that I can take care of myself, take care of hubby, and mostly manage to keep up with school. Let's see what curveball life has next! Until next time!

Block 3 Week 12: I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine

I am constantly finding myself misinformed on how much a person can carry before they crack under the pressure. I'm pretty close to just turning off all communication and hiding under the bed so that I won't find out any more bad news. I'm not saying this so people will feel sorry for me or whatever. It has just been the hardest couple of months I've ever experienced, and honestly medical school is going to have to run to keep up with the garbage life keeps throwing at me. 

This morning I keep thinking about an interview at a medical school (that shall not be named but is not the one I am currently attending). One of the interviewers asked me how I would handle the pressures of school that might be more difficult for someone with a family. I chirped back that I had an amazing support system, and that my husband was prepared to jump in and pick up everything and keep us all going while I was in school. It never occurred to me during the time that I was shedding all my regular responsibilities and piling them all on him that if anything happened to him, I'd have to pick all that stuff up, keep going with school, and help take care of him. Boy, if ever a girl needed a time machine so she could go slap the shiny optimism off a person...

So here's what I'm deciding to take away from this whole un-shiny part of my life. People are fragile. You never know when you are in the line at Starbucks getting a coffee if the person taking your order might be struggling with some really hard life stuff. Sometimes I take someone else's unpleasantness extremely personal, like they are just targeting me to be awful. But you never know what kind of burdens people around you might be struggling under. Maybe they left the whipped cream out of your latte after they had just asked if you wanted it. But maybe they are trying to hurry up and get you taken care of so they can go in the bathroom and cry until the pressure lets off enough to allow them to finish their day without completely coming apart. So keep in mind that while you may be coping just fine and skipping along through life with sunshine and daisies, at any moment something could come round and kick you right in the butt and make things really difficult for you. 

But that's when you just decide to pick your naked butt up out of the puddle and bounce back anyway.

That doesn't mean that you don't take the time to fall apart and mourn the fabulousness that was everything going your way, though. It's like when you get a cold and air just will not move in and out of your nose no matter what, and you lay in bed and think about the many days that you took for granted the fact that you could breathe out of BOTH nostrils easily, and you promise that if you ever find yourself breathing normally again that you will never take it for granted again. It's like that. SO at the risk of sounding like Pollyanna, all this hard stuff makes me look really hard for things to be thankful for, AND it makes me a little more compassionate for those around me that might be going through similar or worse circumstances.

In other news, I know I mentioned that I had to remediate anatomy lab last week over block break. I took the repeat practical on Thursday and I passed! So we start back tomorrow morning for block 4: cardiovascular and pulmonary systems. It's the last block of our first year of medical school. I'm ready to get going again, even though there wasn't much of a break this time. So here goes!

Block 3 Week 11: Zombie

I know I usually go with movie lines, but this song is just looping in my head right now, so I went with it. It's a pretty good description of where I am actually. We finished block 3 last Friday, and I found out that I have to remediate the lab portion of anatomy. This means I have to be in the library at my school from 8-5 every day until we take the exam on Thursday. Because I clearly can't be trusted to study on my own. I mean, I did miss four more questions than I should have, which totally translates to 24 hours of purgatory. /sarcasm And yes, I know it's my fault that I'm at their mercy here.

I really wouldn't mind being here so much if there wasn't so much other stuff going on. I still haven't finished moving all of our stuff from the other house. The only thing that's left is the kitchen. Also, my husband is still recovering from pancreatitis, and he's home alone fending for himself because the kids have standardized testing at school this week. So I'm sure he's not resting. I guess if my personal life wasn't falling apart around my ears, I might have done a little better in the studying department. But when you're learning to juggle, you just keep throwing more stuff in because you can't just stop at juggling three torches, a motorcycle, and an angry hippopotamus. That would be too easy.

So up next, block 4! My brain is a squishy bag of quivering jello currently. I hope that I can take the long weekend and just rest it so I won't start out the block in a mess. I'm also not going to look so forward to block break, and I'm not going to make a bunch of plans that might get kicked to the curb if I goof things up again.

Things I am supposed to be doing this week:

1. Catching up on sleep

2. Binge-watching all the shows I missed

3. Moving house

4. Taking care of sick hubby

5. Going to the doctor

6. Getting a pedicure

7. Reacquainting myself with that mysterious warm orb in the sky

8. Taking tons of baths in my new garden tub

9. Getting the internet installed at the new house (no wifi til FRIDAY, WHAT?!?!?)

10. Getting the 1-hour massage my sister-in-law gave me

Things I am doing this week:

1. STUDYING

2. Retaking an exam

3. Crying

4. Bitter Blogging (CHECK!)

Block 3 Week 10: What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.

For those who haven't heard, I finally was able to rescue the HB from the hospital and bring him home last Tuesday. He is still on the mend, despite him insisting that he was ready to go back to work on Friday. Don't worry, I didn't let him even try it. I'm not sure I'll be as successful on Monday. He's really itching for things to be back to normal. Meanwhile, I'm not sure I'll ever feel normal again. I mean, it felt pretty normal while his body was quietly turning on him that Saturday three weeks ago. I find I'm rather afraid to admit to normal at any time in the near future for fear that I'm misinformed.

If anyone has ever had to witness someone they love experience something this horrible, you'll understand what helpless means. All he wanted was to feel better, and all I wanted was for him to feel better too. If he'd have asked for it, I would have gladly lassoed the moon and dragged it down here if it would make him well again. As it stands, he's having to wait around until his body recovers from this mess. This is probably not as hard as having to endure pancreatitis pain, but it's pretty hard. He's making good progress every day though, and I can tell he's not going to let this keep him down for long.

I haven't had a lot to say about how medical school is going for the last few weeks. Pardon me for being distracted a bit by present circumstances. To say that school and studying took the back burner is a HUGE understatement. It was really fun when finals started. We've had four finals, a practical, and standardized patient so far. The two I've gotten grades back on have been good, surprisingly. I didn't fail anything yet that I know of. I might have gotten REALLY close with that pharmacology final. We'll keep our fingers crossed on that one. The OMM practical was not too bad, and my standardized patient was actually fun. Except for the SOAP note. I kinda scrubbed that a bit. Hopefully they'll have mercy. Coming up this week is the ophthalmology final and the anatomy final and practical. I'm pretty nervous about all of those, so please keep me in prayer if you don't mind. I have a serious case of block break-itis, and it's making studying kind of a pain. Add that to all the fun of the last few weeks and it's almost impossible to accomplish anything. Especially with the beautiful weather.

One last thing I might add to any med students (currently or future) who happen to trip over this blog sometime. OSMOSIS. The only reason I have passed any exams here lately is because I have depended heavily on Osmosis. It is an online study tool that a lot of people in my class use. All of the lectures are uploaded there, and you can do questions based on each lecture, or by subject or module (this is the best, modules make up a lecture portion that is on a specific exam). Anyway, check it out! It might just save you some study time that you can use to go outside and get some vitamin D. It's important, yo.

**The above is an affiliate link, which means if you join Osmosis, I get some extra free time kicked in on my subscription. But so do you!**