Bonus: I'm just over here busting up the odds

This post looks to be a follow up to yesterday's whinging about studying for boards, so you can ignore it if you like. But sometimes, when you're fearing the future, it helps to look backward. So here I go. I spent a large portion of my life going with the flow. And that's ok, if it makes you happy. I learned early on that making waves gets you unnecessary attention (detention?), and it's better to just keep your head down and take whatever comes. Good societies are built on everyone following the rules. But progress depends on people -- just every once in a while -- asking "but what if we...?" The majority of people in this world are content to check off their to-do list every day and keep putting one foot in front of the other, and that's OK. But there's always been this huge "but what if I...?" bouncing around in my head. It's really hilarious when I meet someone new and we are making small talk about what we do as a career, what makes up our family, or what do we like to do for fun. Oh, you have six children? WOW! Oh, you're in medical school at 43? OMG! You've lost 100 pounds in the last year? WHOA!

See, I didn't set out to do anything out of the ordinary, or stuff that people don't normally do, or anything that would statistically be something out of my reach. But here I am, doing all that stuff! I can't tell you how many times someone has said, oh well, the odds of that working out for you successfully are pretty low. I honestly didn't see it as a challenge. I just kept working towards what I wanted waiting for it to not work out. Except, so far it has worked out. SO I keep going. So when I whinge about boards and whether I feel like I'm going to pass, it's kind of like wondering if this is the part of my journey where they finally tell me I can't go any further. I'm way further out on the rope than I ever imagined I'd get. And I won't be content to stop here. If I don't pass COMSAE, I'm going to take it again. But I really hope I pass. If I fail COMLEX, well I'm going to take that again too! I don't feel hopeless or discouraged, I just feel REALLY REALLY NERVOUS. 

And then today I was scrolling through Facebook after my workout, and I saw a video about Mandy Harvey. She lost her hearing at 18, and thought she would have to give up singing. But she didn't. She taught herself how to sing in a new way, and she's super good at it, too! So she goes on America's Got Talent and makes Simon Cowell cry. Mandy joins the ranks of my heroes, which includes the Chewbacca Mom, Melissa Radke, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Girl Power! Anyway, I'm including the video from her performance. I was going to just make a Facebook post and share it, but then I started having all these thoughts, so I blogged instead. I'm sure your FB scroll button will love me for that.

Block 8 Week 9 (is it?): We've reached that point

So I've reached the point in studying for COMLEX Step 1 that I'm sure every medical student does at some time in their dedicated study block: I HATE EVERYONE. Not really, I don't hate anyone at all. But I keep catching myself watching people going about their lives doing things they want to do and having fun and zero cares. AND I AM SO JEALOUS. I see cars parked in front of shopping centers or restaurants, and I think about how all those people have all this time to do whatever they want, and I'm sitting here cramming more diseases in my head than it could ever possibly hold.

We are one week from taking COMSAE, which is the practice test that determines whether my school will allow me to take COMLEX on June 28. I'm convinced no one else in my class is struggling with this as much as I am. I feel like everyone is going to pass it with flaming flair, and I'm going to be sitting there with an almost but not quite good enough score. And that will send all the plans I have spiraling down the toilet. I've been following a study schedule, and most days I am happy with my practice questions. But, the last two days have been less than stellar, and I feel like stuff is falling out of my head faster than I can put it in. I can't decide if I need to study harder or take a break.

So yeah, when I am sitting here at Panera sucking at COMQUEST, I look out the window and there's a lady sitting at a table sipping a coffee and scrolling through her phone, and I think UGH why did I go to medical school? I guess I'll have to come back and write a follow up post answering that question, because nothing is coming to mind.

I think what I'm going to do right now is put up my computer and books and go do something normal humans do. If my head stops swirling with all the stress and stuff, I'll do another round of questions before I go to bed.

Block 8 Weeks 2-6: This block is weird and I don't quite know what to say here

I keep opening a new post with the intention of catching up with the last few weeks. And then another week passes of pretty much the same thing, and I really don't think anything I'd put here would be very entertaining. It's block 8: the final frontier. Dedicated board study is pretty much just lather, rinse, repeat. I get up every morning and work out. Then I decide whether I'm going to class or not. Sometimes we have class, but it's mostly review. There are some sections where I find the review helpful, and some not so much. Like today is GI, and I'm pretty good on that, so I decided to stay home and do some studying on my own. Except it is now 11am and I am still working on the whole getting showered and presentable after my workout. I feel like I move in slow motion here lately. I think maybe I need a little more structure in my study schedule. Right now it's pretty much dread, delay, drudge. We are about a month from COMLEX Step 1, so I gotta get my booty in gear. Gonna do that now, CIAO!

Block 8 Week 1: When Cameron was in Egypt's Land...

Hopefully everyone has seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off and I don't need to recommend this one. Don't be embarrassed if not, just go watch it.

Block 8 begins: dedicated board study block. Except not so dedicated, because we have a few extra things to do in addition to board study like BDLS and ACLS, and more things with initials that I have no idea what they stand for. All through my block break, I was getting emails from school about all these dang assignments I had to complete DURING MY BREAK. Um, yeah, I'll get right on that...

Break. It's a noun. I thought it meant hiatus, vacation, a pause in activity. I was WRONG. Apparently my school takes it to mean to smash, split, or divide into parts violently, reduce to pieces or fragments. Because that's what they did to my sanity all block break! Seriously guys, I need that week to get my head back in the game. Oh well.

Monday started with our dedicated review course. We have a lecturer that comes in and reviews stuff we are supposed to know already and sum it up so we can retrieve it when we take boards in June or July. By the end of the day Monday, my head was full to bursting and I was TIRED. Then we had to come back for more on Tuesday. It's pretty heavy duty, and sometimes my brain just goes NOPE. But it is a really good review course, and I'm picking it up OK. Hopefully it will stay in there, because he keeps pouring MORE in!

Oh, and guess what I do when I get home from school? Study for boards. I have a study plan all mapped out that includes First Aid, Combank questions, Osmosis questions, Sketchy Pharm/Micro/Path, and Savarese. There's more than that available, but I can't fit anything else into my schedule currently. I try to fit anything extra in on the weekends. Ah, the weekend. I had a huge list of things to do that included -- you guessed it -- more board studying. Except I didn't even dent that list. I did some questions, and I tried to do some reading, but my brain wasn't having it. Hopefully going forward in this block, I'll have a little more stick-to-itness.

We have another week coming up with the same lecturer reviewing with us, and then next week we have our BDLS course. That's Basic Disaster Life Support. Apparently next Friday, we will be participating in a fake disaster with the local law enforcement and emergency services. We will be expected to triage and treat victims, which is pretty cool. I think it will be a nice break from the constant review classes. And it will be OUTSIDE. I love outside. So I'm definitely looking forward.

It's hard to believe the time has passed so quickly, and we are inching up towards boards and then clinicals. Everyone keeps telling me clinicals is going to be so much more fun. I've had fun so far, but most of the fun is looking forward to being finished, haha!

Here's to another week of more studying! Ciao!

Block 7 Week 10 and 11: We made it!

And here we are once again, at the end of a block. You guys know how it goes by now. Nail-biting, nerves, anxiety, RELIEF! The last two weeks have been non-stop studying and testing and waiting for grades, but it's OVER! But there is something different about this block. It's the end. We have covered all the lectures and now it's time to move on to dedicated board study. So for the next few months, it will be boards non-stop. Eat, sleep, study, repeat. I'm excited about it, but I'm also a little nervous. I can't believe two years of medical school are almost over, and at the end of July, I (hopefully) start my clinical rotations. Must. Pass. Boards. I can't say it went really fast, but at the same time, it seems like it should have taken longer to get here. I'm pretty excited.

I have one week between me and the dreaded Block 8, and you can bet I'm going to live it up. Well if living it up means sitting on my duff doing a bunch of nothing. You guys know how I feel about nothing. Ahhhhhhh. It's lovely. HB was out of town last week (in Hawaii, don't get me started), and I actually got a lot of cleaning and stuff done. I like to pace around my house and clean up instead of study because I'm complicated like that. So I don't have a huge list of housework that I need to get done really. We are throwing around some ideas about going camping or hiking or something. I kinda hope we manage to do something. I miss hanging out with my kids and HB, and I'd like to spend some time with them before boards prep gets super-serious. But I also don't want to plan a bunch of plans that will feel a whole lot like something other than nothing. Because ahhhhhh. Nothing.

Anyway, I don't have much else to report currently. I have an empty mind (haha nothing new) that is shrinking from responsibility. So I'm going to get back to doing my nothings. Have a nice break guys!

Block 7 Week 9: If it makes you happy...

I guess it's no secret that I've been in the dumps in a serious way for the last few weeks. I don't want to do anything that remotely looks like studying or learning. I just want to curl up in bed and watch Grimm episodes and eat carbs. Some of this has to do with impending board exams, and the rest is probably separation anxiety because the HB has been out of town SO VERY MUCH lately. He's going to freaking HAWAII the week before block break WITHOUT ME. Yes, salty, that's me. 

So today I thought I'd write a post about things that make me happy, because there are quite a few things on that list.
First, when I'm all bummed and my friends come over and play cards and make me laugh. Last night, Mikey and Ezra and Dottie came over and we ate twizzlers and starburst and oreos and ice cream and played cards until LATE. We laughed and goofed off, and it was AWESOME. Sometimes your study buddies turn into family, and that's pretty nifty.

Next, CHEESE! You guys, I love cheese so very much. It's good all by itself, or on a cracker, or melted and smothering a tortilla chip. Cheese is a friend that has NEVER disappointed. I feel like food is going to star in a major way on this list.

Fat babies. OMG guys. My grandsons are so adorable, and the little one is all chubby and squishy and he loves cuddling. The older one is easily placated with cheese (just like his Bubbie), and he says the most hilarious things. I wish I had been able to relax and have fun with my littles like I do with my grandies. But I was too worried about being the perfect mother and I had no chill.

HIKING! I have never been an outside person. Mainly because I was fat and out of shape. I'm still kinda fat and out of shape, but not as much as before. I discovered that I REALLY don't like going to the gym and working out on a machine with a bunch of other hamster people. I like to be outside. We have this awesome park that has lots of great hiking trails (and biking apparently; I discovered this when I was almost mowed down by a couple of eager bikers), and I would go there EVERY DAY if weather allowed. However, our weather has been iffy here lately, so I haven't been as often as I'd like.  But this is definitely on my list of happy things.

PEEPS (See I TOLD you there's lots of food)! Easter is my favorite time of year, mostly because of peeps. I like to open the package and put it up out of sight of my kids until they get stale and then eat them. Yeah, I know, pretty sick, right? They are so yummy! It seems like everyone has deep opinions about Peeps. I'm definitely in the LOVE department.

OH LORD WOULD YOU LOOK!

My HB. I have a major league crush on that dude. I've loved him since I was 11 years old, and I ain't stopping now. Or ever. He is stuck with me FOR LIFE. Poor guy. He doesn't seem to mind though; I guess I'm pretty charming or something. Or maybe he's hanging on until I'm a doctor so he can be my Trophy Husband. We're both OK with that.

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SO we had our standardized patient last Tuesday, and that was INTERESTING. You'd think by now I wouldn't get all in a dither about this since I've done it every block since the first one. But I get so dang nervous! Another dumb thing I did was get a gel manicure on the Friday before. So I have these fake nails that I'm not used to, and I'm expected to type my notes on the encounter in nine minutes when I can't even spell my name with these durn things on!

I went back today to review my note, and it's a mess! Typos galore! I think a toddler might have done a better job. I seriously hope that I pass. Yes, it's that bad. But I feel like my patient experience went well. I hope the grader agrees.

Well, I guess that's it for this week. Two more weeks in block 7!!! 

Block 7 Week 8: I just want to wrap up in a blanket on my couch and play video games

So there's this motivational speaker guy that I follow on Facebook. He's really awesome. He was born without any arms or legs, and he travels around and speaks and writes books and is generally a great dude. I see his posts and they are all like, don't let your problems slow you down, turn them into stepping stones or some kinda flowery language like that. Most of the time, I'm all like, yeah dude, let's get it! But not today. Today, I want to go home and get under the covers and pretend like I don't have SP tomorrow.

I know I write this blog and I'm always like, hey, I'm so blessed to be here, and things get hard, but you just have to work hard and you'll get there. And most of the time I feel like that. But today. UGH. Blame it on Daylight Saving Time (if I ever get a straight answer on who thought it was a good idea to start a Monday an hour in the hole, Imma dig him up and kick him right in the butt), or Monday, or the fact that we are starting week 9, or any number of bummer things that are going on. It's just that this is a hard place to be. I don't want to study or practice for my standardized patient for tomorrow.

The thing that a lot of medical students will tell you about this undertaking is that you have to pass on a lot of fun things that the rest of the world gets to do while you are becoming a doctor. And most of the time you can tell yourself that it will all be worth it when you are living the dream. But I read an article this morning that pretty much just dumped a truckload of sand on that idea. This is the article: Sleep Deprived Docs Disclose Hospital Horrors. To sum up, the ACGME (that's who is in charge of medical education in residency after graduation from medical school) approved a return to 28-hour shifts for doctors in residency. The article discusses some anecdotes of doctors' experiences after a long call period. It is scary and horrifying.

See, as a medical student, there are some things about our education that are kind of a drag. Like sometimes an instructor of a particular class might not be presenting the most up-to-date clinically-oriented information, and we get frustrated. Or maybe I did bad on an exam, and it makes me feel like I'm not working hard enough. The rigors of the first two years sometimes wear you down and you just feel in the dumps. But you tell yourself, hey, we are so close to clinicals, and getting closer to graduation, then residency, and then being a "real doctor!" However, it's really hard to look forward to the next step when it looks like what these interns are experiencing in that article.

It doesn't make sense to me that anyone thinks it is a good idea to have a sleep-deprived intern practicing medicine. If truck drivers don't get enough sleep, they cause 60-car pileups on the freeway.  If a physician doesn't get enough sleep, the attending smacks him on the butt and sends him into the ER to work up the next patient. What does a 60-car pileup look like in an ER? Or in the NICU? I don't think I want to know. I certainly don't want to be the intern responsible for a bad patient outcome simply because I fell asleep while I was supposed to be working up a head injury.

I'm really sorry for the bummer blog post today. I have to remind myself that this path I'm on is a calling for me, and I'm not promised that it will be fun and rosy when it's all done. All I know is this is what I'm supposed to be doing. It would be a lot easier if I was sure that spending all this time becoming led to something better than what the doctors in that article have experienced. It would make it a lot easier to give up being with my family and blanket-wrapped video game times. And not all days are like this for sure. It's just today kinda sucks.